*************************************************
Previous Publication 9/29/04 MSN Groups
Web Page: Jokebox
*************************************************
FOR LOVERS
ONLY!
Boyfriend:
You are my sunlight and my moonlight. You are the stars in my life. When you are away, my days
are cold and cloudy...
You are my sunlight and my moonlight. You are the stars in my life. When you are away, my days
are cold and cloudy...
Girlfriend:
Are you whispering sweet nothings or you're giving the weather
report?
Are you whispering sweet nothings or you're giving the weather
report?
Boyfriend:
Darling, do you think I'll go to heaven when I die?
Darling, do you think I'll go to heaven when I die?
Girlfriend:
Why don't you try dying first so that you'll know!
Why don't you try dying first so that you'll know!
Girlfriend:
You men! You are all the same!! You are all
animals!!!
You men! You are all the same!! You are all
animals!!!
Boyfriend:
Animals, huh?! So why do you keep coming on to me like a
snake?
Animals, huh?! So why do you keep coming on to me like a
snake?
Girlfriend:
Because I like animals and I'm an animal lover! As they say, be kind to
animals!
Because I like animals and I'm an animal lover! As they say, be kind to
animals!
Mate: Good
morning, dear. What's for dinner tonight?
morning, dear. What's for dinner tonight?
Wife: Here it
is, take your pick.
is, take your pick.
Mate:
What?! (Opening the plate cover) One fish only! What's to
choose?
What?! (Opening the plate cover) One fish only! What's to
choose?
Wife:
Yes! You have 2 choices - take it or leave it!
Yes! You have 2 choices - take it or leave it!
Wife: Why did
you drink the insecticide?
you drink the insecticide?
Husband: I
tried to commit suicide because of what you're doing to me! I'm so
miserable!!
tried to commit suicide because of what you're doing to me! I'm so
miserable!!
Wife: Next
time you do it...
time you do it...
Husband:
What?!
What?!
Wife: Check
the expiration date!
the expiration date!
Boyfriend: Is
it true that beautiful women and handsome men are poor spellers and have
bad grammar?
it true that beautiful women and handsome men are poor spellers and have
bad grammar?
Girlfriend:
My gash! Did they sure? What does they proof? It hurts to me! I do not beleif to
dis! Does U?
My gash! Did they sure? What does they proof? It hurts to me! I do not beleif to
dis! Does U?
Dude #1: Did
you know if you steal you'll have karma?
you know if you steal you'll have karma?
Dude #2:
That's true! Because when I stole a kiss from my girlfriend, I got karma
and I had to marry her!
That's true! Because when I stole a kiss from my girlfriend, I got karma
and I had to marry her!
What do people say
after sex:
after sex:
Spouse: I
love you!
love you!
Sugar Daddy/Sugar
Mommy: You're the best!
Mommy: You're the best!
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Wow! One more time!
Teenage
Lovers: Oops! Let's do it again!
Lovers: Oops! Let's do it again!
Male/Female
Escort: Hurry up. We only have 15 minutes! (an hour? 2 hours? 3
hours?)
Escort: Hurry up. We only have 15 minutes! (an hour? 2 hours? 3
hours?)
Lawyer #1:
You're a fool!
You're a fool!
Lawyer #2:
You're a damn fool!
You're a damn fool!
Judge: As the
lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the
case?
lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the
case?
Student: Sir,
isn't that right? Experience is the best teacher?
isn't that right? Experience is the best teacher?
Nutty
Professor: Is that right? Please contact Miss Experience to tutor
the other students.
Professor: Is that right? Please contact Miss Experience to tutor
the other students.
Reporter:
Sir, do you watch CBS?
Sir, do you watch CBS?
Kerry: No
time.
time.
Reporter:
Golf or reading?
Golf or reading?
Kerry: No
time.
time.
Reporter: Do
you drink beer?
you drink beer?
Kerry: Miller
Time!
Time!
Blondie #1: I
heard your best friend died and lying in state at a funeral
home.
heard your best friend died and lying in state at a funeral
home.
Blondie #2:
Oh, my friend is so nice to me...My friend, HAPPY BURIAL!!
Oh, my friend is so nice to me...My friend, HAPPY BURIAL!!
Babe #1: How
are you and your husband? No more
anger?...bitterness?
are you and your husband? No more
anger?...bitterness?
Babe #2: Oh,
we're OK now. We had our bad times, but we have forgotten them. It's
all water OVER the bridge!
we're OK now. We had our bad times, but we have forgotten them. It's
all water OVER the bridge!
Dude: Lola
(Old Grandma), I'm taking a survey. How's married life during your
time?
(Old Grandma), I'm taking a survey. How's married life during your
time?
Lola: You're
rude, young man! I'm still single and never been
married!
rude, young man! I'm still single and never been
married!
JOKEBOX TITLE: THAT'S BULL! A Filipino went to Spain just to see a bullfight. After the bullfight, he went to eat at the restaurant next to the arena. He ordered 'Super Delicacy' in the menu and was served a big round pair of food. He asked, "Waiter, what is this food?" The waiter said, "That is the balls of the killed bull cooked in champagne!" The next day, he went to eat at the restaurant again but missed the bullfight because he was late. He ordered the same food. He asked the same waiter, "Why is it you gave me small balls today? Yesterday I ate big ones at the same price." Said the waiter, "Senor, sometimes the bull also wins!"
ReplyDeleteVEGETABLE CONTEST There's a contest held for the biggest vegetable. Some of the participants were from America, Japan, Germany and of course... Philippines. America: Everyone clapped at the eggplant the size of upo (winter melon). Japan: Everyone clapped at the tomato the size of cabbage. Germany: Everyone clapped at the cabbage the size of the big basin holding it. Philippines: Everyone shouted at the Pinoy, "You lose!" "You lose!" The Pinoy showed a green vegetable the size of a ball like a basketball and many people thought it's a watermelon. The Pinoy grabbed the microphone and said, "Wait a minute! Do you know what is this, you people! This is a munggo bean, my friends!" Everyone clapped and the Pinoy won the contest.
ReplyDeleteIMBUSTED2, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
ReplyDeleteBAPTISMAL WATER
ReplyDeleteThree little boys were
concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it
was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So,
they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need
to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize
us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and
play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick,
because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all
of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The
littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yeah! What do you think
that means?" "I think it means that we're Pisscopalians.
For B*U*S*T* Publication - Jokebox web page
Thanks to Award-Winning Contributors: Fely of Toronto &
vickyj
BANK ROBBERY
ReplyDeleteThis is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an
article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a
bank robbery on March 2.
"Once
inside the bank shortly after midnight, their
efforts at disabling the
security system got underway
immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find
one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables,
were surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes
scattered through out the bank. The
robbers
cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a
bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on
the bank's audio tape system, one
robber said, "At
least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up
a
second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process
continued until all the
safes were opened. They found not one pound
sterling,
a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the
safes
contained
covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the
robbers
made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than
a queasy,
uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S
LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS
MORNING
Thanks to Thomasian MSollosa
SIGNS
ReplyDeleteSign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr.
Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a
Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all
heels."
**************************
On a
Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a
Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the
#2 business."
**************************
At a
Proctologist's door
"To expedite your
visit please back in."
**************************
On a
Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your
husband fixed."
**************************
On a
Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza
Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes
one weak."
**************************
At a Tire
Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your
next blowout."
****************************
On a
Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello.
Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a
Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm
and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an
Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your
shorts."
**************************
In a
Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we
will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate
action."
**************************
On a
Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push.
Push."
**************************
At an
Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see
what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
**************************
On a
Taxidermist's window:
"We really know
our stuff."
**************************
On a
Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is
expensive."
**************************
At a Car
Dealership:
"The best way to get back on
your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a
Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
**************************
In a
Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in
5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the
Electric Company:
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if
you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a
Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there
and be hungry, Come on in and get fed
up."
**************************
<b
Windows
ReplyDeleteLast year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive
double-paned energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from
the
contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I
had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So I
proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me
last year - that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves!
So there! There was silence on the other end of the line, so
I just hung
up. I have not heard anything back. Guess I won that stupid
argument!
SEX TEXT 9
ReplyDeleteNever make love
in the farm
The plants cannot be trusted:
The corns have ears,
The
pineapple have eyes &
of course
The beans talk!
SEX TEXT 10
ReplyDeleteWhat's the difference between biology & sociology?
Answer: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology.
If he looks
like the neighbor, that's sociology.
May ka-sosyo!
Thomasian
MSollosa
Customer Service
ReplyDeleteAn award should
go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny,
while making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably
deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.
A single agent was re-
booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket on the counter and said "I
HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am
sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've
got to help these folks
first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was
unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind
him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the
agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone,
"May I have your attention
please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout
the terminal. "We
have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW
WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind
him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the
United agent, gritted his
teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she
smiled and said,
I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.
E-mailed by: :Thomasian MSollosa
Can cold water
ReplyDeleteclean dishes?
John went to visit his 90 year old
grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of
Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and
toast.
However, John notice a film like substance on his plate, and
questioned
his grandfather asking, "are these plates
clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get
them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal
sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks
around the edge that looked
like dried egg and asked, "are you sure
these plates are
clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before sonny,
those
dishes are as clean as cold water
can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about
it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and
wouldn't let him
pass. John yelled and
said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my
car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was
watching on
TV, the old man shouted
..
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
"Lulu"
Only in Georgia!
ReplyDeleteGETTING ON IN YEARS Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake.
ReplyDeleteAng Pinoy nga
ReplyDeletenaman....
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last
year,
Russian scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 1000
years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a
telephone network one
thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in
the weeks that followed,
American scientists dug 200 meters and
headlines
in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces
of 2000
year old optical fibers, and have concluded
that their ancestors already had
advanced high-tech digital
telephone 1000 years earlier than the
Russians".
One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 500 meters, Filipino scientists
have
found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years
ago,
their ancestors were already using wireless
technology".
E-mailed by Thomasian
MSollosa
The Stranger & Little
ReplyDeleteJohnny
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the
plane when the stranger
turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow
passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to
the stranger, "What would you like to
discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear
power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass. The
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose
that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no
idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel
qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
E-mailed by Thomasian MSollosa
Forwarded by Thomasian
ReplyDeleteMSollosa
Fishing
One morning on a lake in Idaho, the husband returns
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with
the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along
comes a
game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says,
"Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a
book," she replies (thinking isn't that obvious?) ..
"You're in a
restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm
not fishing, I'm reading".
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"If
you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's
true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any
moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL
Never
argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
FRENCH LESSONS FOR
ReplyDeleteFILIPINOS
E-mailed by Thomasian
MSollosa
Marami palang French words ang Tagalog
Let's learn
French.Oui??
Let's start....
1. TURN - le coup
2. LITER - le
true
3 .BEHIND - le coud
4. ALMS - le mousse
5. FIVE - le ma
6. FLY
- le pad
7. DID NOT TAKE A BATH - le bag
8. CONFUSED - le tou
9. NO
LONGER A VIRGIN - les pag
10. UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND - coma le wah
11. CITY
- ce vou
12. DRUGS - sha vou
13. GOODBYE - va vou
14.
MUSICAL BAND - com vou
15. BALD - cal vou
16. CAUGHT IN THE ACT - na vou
coup, na coup!!
17. FEATHERS - valahe vou
18. UNCLEAR - ma la vou
19.
SINK - lah va vou
20 . COCONUT - vou coup
21. JOSEPH ESTRADA - vou
vou!!
For B*U*S*T* Jokebox webpage
An Answer to a
ReplyDeletePrayer
There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job was
to
process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came
to
his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He
thought, Oh boy, better open this one, and see what it's all
about...
So he opened it and read "Dear God, I am an 83 years old, a
widow living
on a very small pension.. Yesterday someone stole my
purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next
pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner.. Without that money I have nothing to buy the food
with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?
The postal worker was touched and went around showing the
letter to all
the others.. Each of them dug into their wallets
and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had
collected $96.00 which
they put into an envelope and sent it to
her.. The rest of the day all
the workers felt a warm glow of the
kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days
later another letter came from the old lady. All the workers
gathered around him while the letter was
opened. It read,
Dear God. How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a nice day and I told my friends about your
wonderful gift.
By the way there was $4.00 missing. I think it must have
been those
thieving bastards at the Post Office...
For B*U*S*T* Jokebox web page
E-mailed by Thomasian
AnFBasilio
SI! PEDRO!....
ReplyDeleteIt was
the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a
Mexican restaurateur,
entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me
Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!"
apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the
people, for the people,
shall not perish from the earth?"
Again,
no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher
snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to
our country, knows more about its history th an you
do!"
She heard a
loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she
demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point,
a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and
asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George
Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another
student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair
waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You
little shit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro
frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy,
2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on
the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro
whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
E-mailed by Thomasian MSollosa
ReplyDeleteSubject: SLACKERS
ReplyDeleteA large company, feeling it was time for a
shakeup, hired a
new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of
all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy
leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them
know that
he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to
the guy leaning against the wall and
asked, "How much money do you make a
week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I
make
$300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy
$1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't
come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the
room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's.
Love,
Dr.
ReplyDeleteVisit
I went into my proctologist's office for my
first rectal exam.
His new nurse,
Elaine,
took me to an examining room
and told
me to get undressed and have a
seat
until the doctor could see
me.
She said that he would only be a
few minutes.
After putting on the gown that
she gave me I sat
down.
While
waiting I observed that there were three
items
on a stand next to the exam
table:
<font face="Georgi
TRUE LIES:
ReplyDeleteOne day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river and her thimble fell into the
river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had
fallen into the water and that she needed it to help
her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped his hand into the water and
pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied,
"No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held
out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked again.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord reached down again and came up with a
leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord
asked.
The seamstress replied, "YES."
The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty
and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the
seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking
with her husband along the same riverbank, and her
husband fell into
the river and disappeared under
the water. When she cried out, the lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the
river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up
with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the lord
asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is an
untruth!
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my
Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had
said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with
Tom Cruise. then, if I said 'No'
to him, you would
have come up with my husband, and had I then said
'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm
not in the best of health and would not be able to
take care of all three husbands, so that's why I
said yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: WHENEVER A WOMAN
LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN
THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS. THAT'S OUR STORY, AND
WE'RE STICKING TO IT.
Be one of the first to try Windows Live Mail
KEEP THE OLD MOTOR RUNNING
ReplyDeleteIt was the stir of the town when a
white 80-year-old man married a
20-year-old white
girl.
After a year of marriage she went into hospital to give
birth. The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is
amazing. How
do you do it at your age?"
He answered,
"You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year
the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse
said, you really are
amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the
old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The
nurse said, "Well, well,
well, You certainly are quite a
man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor
running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil.
This one's
black."
Submitted by Fely of
Toronto
HELPFUL
ReplyDeleteNURSE
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen
mask
over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a
4-hour
operation.
A young nurse appears in his room to
sponge his hands and
feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my
testicles
black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, I'm only
here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask,
"Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers,
raises
his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other
hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them!"
The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was
really
nice, but listen very, very
closely,
"Are...my...test...results...back?"
hehehe-mailed by
MSollosa
ReplyDelete> THE ARAB SHEIKH & THE ILOCANO BLOOD DONOR
>
>
An Arab Sheikh was admitted to the Philippine Heart Center in
> Manila for
a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery, the doctors
> needed to
store his blood in case a need arises. As the gentleman had a
> rare type
of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out
> to a
number of provinces.
>
>
> Finally an Ilocano was located
who had a similar type of blood.
> The Ilocano willingly donated his blood
for the Arab.
>
> After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano as
appreciation for
> giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds,
jewelry, and a million
> US dollars.
>
> Once again the Arab
had to go through a corrective surgery. His
> doctor telephoned the
Ilocano who was more than happy to donate his
> blood again.
>
> After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a thank you
>
card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.
>
> The Ilocano was shocked
that the Arab this time did not
> reciprocate his kind gesture as he had
anticipated. He phoned the Arab
> and asked him:
> 'I thought that
you would be generous again, that you would again give
> me a Toyota
Prado, Money, Diamonds and Jewelry...but you only gave me a
> thank you
card and a jar of Almond sweets!'
>
> To this the Arab replied:
'Manong...I now have Ilocano blood in
> my veins.'
(Ilocanos are stereotyped and known to be
'tightwads'.)
Subject: EFFORT, Cost
ReplyDeleteProposal Analysis...
A
giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert
after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix
the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had
been fixing ships since he was young. He carried a large bag
of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to
work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this
man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things
over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small
hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine
lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The
engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a
bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did
anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying,
"Please send us an itemized bill."
The
man sent a bill that read:
Tapping
with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing
where to tap.......... ......... ...... $
9,998.00
Effort
is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all
the
difference .