Sunday, September 19, 2010

Thanks Educational E-mail 2010

I must say I really did not believe the 'educational' e-mails I got through the years.   I would like to add these: You'll get brain tumor if your cell phone is too close to your head and you'll get testicular cance if you put you cell phone in your hip pocket.

GoC



Date: Fri, 17 Sep 2010 16:32:15 +0000
From: filcanam
To:
Subject: Fwd: Thanks

Hello to Sophie, all the best.

Just wanted to say thank you to all-->

As we progress into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the  1,387,258th time. 
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish. 
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or  feathers. 
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
 
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. 
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit  down. 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. 
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica  , Uganda ,  Singapore  , and  Uzbekistan  . 
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. 
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. 
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it  actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . .  .
 

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina  , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. 
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.  (Love this one-got me!) 
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.





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Published 9/19/10 altgroup multiply
Web Page: Thanks Educational E-Mail 2010



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