I am A Filipino-American
Dan Jiminez PMA'77
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I have crossed the oceans in search of a dream, a quest dictated by fate and
choice. I left the comfort of a safety net abandoning what I have known and
with whom I have known them with. I ventured into the promise caring not for
its fulfillment, only for the chance to make such come true. Full of hope
and the willingness to work as hard as possible, I bet all of tomorrows and
all of the pasts for the present. With heavy heart and unexplained
misgivings, I ran away from where I was born to where I was born for.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I have two mothers, one by destiny, the other by choice. The guilt will
never end in endless justifications or denials. Honest acceptance of what
was done and its ramifications may pacify the heart. Still, the gnawing act
of betrayal and the irrevocable goodbye will define my being until the very
end. I have two mothers. With echoing doubts even with all the kindness the
heart can muster, I must trust myself.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I took advantage of the opportunities I was offered and shared my blessings
to those I left behind. I worked insatiably for what I desired, for what I
lacked, for what I was denied. There was no shame in honest labor, no shame
in productivity. Green is green regardless of circumstance. Shame spelled
dole-outs and alms. In this land built by immigrants and dreams, one's limit
is one's self. I took what I could and paid the price. Tax and gratuity,
included.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
Nationalists will question the core of my citizenship and ridicule the
seeming ambivalence of my allegiance. There will be no satisfaction in
knowing what is wrong nor in suggestions of what must be done. Expats'
opinions are doomed to the dump regardless of intent. The right to comment,
to argue, to present ideas have been stamped out apparently when my passport
changed colors. I will not contest this judgment nor insist that my voice be
heard. Ideas though must reign supreme no matter whose eyes get blinded by
such. I will continue to pour my beliefs out and pray that they will stand
on their own in spite of their origin. My sins are only my own. And so are
the deserved consequences.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I am proud of the years I struggled, of the odd jobs I took that were
supposed to be unbecoming of my degree and pride, of the once hand to mouth
existence and the necessity of an eighty hour week. I decry the ridicule of
those whose hands were too immaculate to lend support and encouragement.
Yes, those whose skin are as brown as mine. I sleep soundly at night tired
to the bones yet with the peace that under my roof are blessings because I
toiled.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I will not forget my youth, the native in my tongue, the land I was molded
from. In my search for a definite identity, the hyphen will remain but not
determine who I am. I will subscribe to God Bless America as fervently as I
adhere to Pilipinas Kong Mahal. I will seek my values, my truths in
freedom's light be they of the stars or of the sun confident that there are
no colors to consider, just the clarity of one's pursuit of prosperity and
happiness, of liberty and of justice for all.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I will not apologize for the way of life brought about by diligence,
determination and most of all, God's blessing. I will unceasingly support
the ideals America was built on, the ideals which made my aspirations within
reach. In spite of the perceived monstrosity of this country, there exists
among the people a desire to be better, to be more relevant, to care more,
to be more compassionate. I will treat her enemies as mine and her friends
truly my own. For in the end, her survival and prosperity will be mine. And
yes, pretentious and assuming it maybe, I am America's son. This is my land,
"from sea to shining sea."
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I will always be torn by who I was and who I am. Bridging the divide entails
the suppressing of the heart but not the remembrances of the past. I will
always be indebted to the before and after wishing only to be worthy of
both. And as I lose myself to my descendants, the blood of my forefathers
will continue to flow and fluorish in spite of whatever color change their
skins will have. For it is true and will always be true: what will matter is
within.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I desire the respect of Filipinos, I aim for the acceptance of Americans. I
ask for no guarantee nor mercies allotted only for the inutile and the
dying. I will continuously strive to prove myself that those who share my
blood, my history, my name will have a ground to stand on long after my
remains have turned to dust. I am an immigrant who rode the winds of change
with tested resolve and unbroken spirit. In this mortal life, I can only
fall back on what I have done never on what I have wanted to do. With all
humility, I will enjoy the blessings of success, of friendships and of
stranger's kindness and vow to reciprocate in kind. I kneel in endless
gratitude listening to time's wisdom and His words that I may finish this
journey according to His will.
I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I have accepted the reality of my splintered citizenship, . Beyond questions
and senseless insinuations, I will be honest to myself. Through the noise of
confusion and the cacophony of demagogues, I will seek peace within. I will
cradle the setting sun in winter's cold knowing with hope soaring, it is
dawn where I was born. I will forgive myself for failed idealism realizing
that pain never goes away completely and that happiness will always be
tempered by thoughts of a home faraway. In all my endeavors, my thoughts and
my aspirations, I will remain my father and mother's son. And though I will
never go back, home, country, the Philippines will always be in my mind and
heart. Unrequited love and all its sadness notwithstanding.
Yes, I AM A FILIPINO-AMERICAN.
I bare my soul in the cold fog of a rainy day wishing for warmth and the sun
and the chance to heard. Insignificance is death without mercy long before
the heart stops beating. Yet, the choice to listen is not mine. Still I
write with the purpose my children and my only one have bequeathed to me.
The same purpose why I crossed the oceans to start again. It is for them I
live. It is for them I write. May this be worthy.
Freudian Fernandez
W V Fentress AF & AM Lodge 296
Virginia Beach, VA
Kheedive Shriner International
Chesapeake, VA
" Ordo ab Chao"
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