A.L.T. ADVISOR: SOLICITED ADVISE FROM LAB TECHS
[Previously Published 2004]
Dear ESP: I'm the lab manager of one of the healthcare system in our state. But we are like family. There's one employee in the lab who has a big mouth. Everytime there's a juicy rumor, she would call her friends and gossip with them. She has many networks of cells but not as huge as the Al-Queda. She's out of control. Even confidentiality agreement did not work. It's a big dilemma for me. -LT
To LT: Loose lips sink ship. Rumsfeld at the Pentagon and the White House have problems with leaks. Now, these are the top governing bodies in the whole world. Did you tell her to sit down and shut up? In the land of the free this is a no-no. Freedom of speech, one of the four freedoms, is an integral part of our society. Personally, my friend (may I call you friend?), I'd terminate her position. Say it's a business decision.
Dear ESP: The hospital I used to work was recently bought by a bigger hospital. I was laid off the job after 18 years of service because of merger and re-organization. All my health, dental and life insurance benefits are gone. Oh, wise one, do share your thoughts. -LT
To LT: Don't despair. Don't be angry. Cool it. Chill out. We have a very good government employment security system. The measly check you get every 2 weeks will help you at the moment. With your expertise you'll find a job in 3 months. Later, if you're still jobless and your buddies ask you how ya doin', say you are retired or self-employed. Are you really looking for a job??? For long term future, why don't you move your young family to the socialistic countries of Scandinavia? Their tax there is 60% compared to ours which is 30%. Moreover, if you get laid off there, their welfare system will help you for life. Your choice.
Dear ESP: The lady CEO of our hospital started giving turkey (40 lbs) to employees every Thankgiving as an appreciation for our hard work. This is the 10th year. I don't like turkey. Now, I have 10 turkeys in my freezer. What do I do? - Cold Turkey
To Cold Turkey: It's a crying shame. Gobble. Gobble. Even old Benjie Franklin wanted this big bird as our national bird. As a food connoisseur, I find turkey to have no taste at all. Do you have a friend who's on cholesterol watch? Or, check if it's Salmonella free and give it to your neighbor as thanksgiving gift.
Dear ESP: I just received the blood and the ER doctor is asking for the result already. Everyday is like this with this doc. -LT
To LT: Tell the good doctor (probably a resident) the machine broke down and that the specimen was sent to a nearby hospital. Or, tell him the test is still in progress.
Dear ESP: I'm overworked and stressed out! Due to cutbacks, I have to go from section to section. Yesterday, I was in Chemistry. Today, I'm in Hematology. -LT
To LT: You must be working in a small or community hospital. We are in the age of recycling. We recycle paper, plastics, cans and people. Tell you what, pretend you're contributing to the program and that you're environmentally conscious like the Danes.
Dear ESP: My co-worker is always going out and taking a long break (15 to 30 minutes). I'm left doing all the stat tests and answering phone calls. I can't take it anymore! Do you have any advice? -LT
To LT: Don't get mad, get even. Do the same thing. Go out. Smoke a cigarette. Then come back to work relax and ready to continue what's new. If this gets to the boss...well, it's another problem and ask me for advise!
Dear ESP: I'm a Histology tech working in a big city hospital. I do the supply orders of formalin and alcohol use to process pathology surgical tissues. I notice when I do my weekly inventory that I'm always short of a case. Do you have any idea how to catch the thief? - Histo
To Histo: It's a simple process of elimination. Do you work with either an Irish or Russian? Russkis love to fill up their Absolut Vodka bottle with 100% alcohol. Irish lads use formalin to preserve their brain when they have too much beer (Guinness) and alcohol drink in the pub. Whoever is brain dead in the morning is the one.
Dear ESP: My buddies learned I'm going to Copenhagen and the rest of Scandinavia. They said, have fun in the land of the porn. This irritated me a little bit because I'm half Dane.
To Danish: They really live up to their name, do they? They even have a popular musical called SEX JIHAD. And we Americans have the VAGINA MONOLOGUE. Don't be hot under the collar. When I went home for a quickie visit to my native country, I overheard one guy say to another, that place has a lot of prostitutes and number 4 in the list of terrorist countries. The the talkshow jock Howard Stern even said the Philippines is a hotbed of prostitutes or something like that and got into trouble with Filipino Americans. I said back in return, not letting go of the matter, well, Chicago is the numero uno murder capital of the US! Prostitutes are all over the world. Sex is good. Adam and Eve did it. It's paradise.
Dear ESP: It's hard to ask for vacation days from my lab supervisor. I always felt I'm begging. My co-workers always go on a grand tour and they don't have any problem. Since we have less than enough people, I do their share of work while they are away. They proudly show their photo albums to everyone that would care to see when they return to work.
To Beggie: As a world traveler myself, I thank you on behalf of them. Hopefully, they'll return the favor when you go on your 2-month vacation or after having a baby and stay home for a month or two. Male employees are not so lucky because they don't get pregnant. Hey, where's the equal opportunity employment there?
Dear ESP: My friends heard I'm going to Russia. Even my closed neighbor who recently got married to a Chinese whom he met in the internet warned me. One of the techs warned me to stay out of trouble. Should I be afraid?
To Trouble: Talking with you on the phone, I hear a trace of foreign accent. May I assume then that you don't look American. You are a hyphenated American. Unless your skin turn very white like Michael Jackson. I was so sad when his monkey Bubbles died in the late 90's. Be not afraid. I've been to Russia myself. I guarantee people are the same everywhere. I was eating with friends at Hotel Astor (Bush stayed there when he visited Putin just recently) in Moscow. The young waiter who served our food was from Los Angeles! When it's time, it's time. Live as if there's no tomorrow. Live as if today is your last day on earth. You only live once.
Dear ESP: My buddies learned I'm going to Copenhagen and the rest of Scandinavia. They said, have fun in the land of the porn. This irritated me a little bit because I'm half Dane.
To Danish: They really live up to their name, do they? They even have a popular musical called SEX JIHAD. And we Americans have the VAGINA MONOLOGUE. Don't be hot under the collar. When I went home for a quickie visit to my native country, I overheard one guy say to another, that place has a lot of prostitutes and number 4 in the list of terrorist countries. The the talkshow jock Howard Stern even said the Philippines is a hotbed of prostitutes or something like that and got into trouble with Filipino Americans. I said back in return, not letting go of the matter, well, Chicago is the numero uno murder capital of the US! Prostitutes are all over the world. Sex is good. Adam and Eve did it. It's paradise.
Dear ESP: It's hard to ask for vacation days from my lab supervisor. I always felt I'm begging. My co-workers always go on a grand tour and they don't have any problem. Since we have less than enough people, I do their share of work while they are away. They proudly show their photo albums to everyone that would care to see when they return to work.
To Beggie: As a world traveler myself, I thank you on behalf of them. Hopefully, they'll return the favor when you go on your 2-month vacation or after having a baby and stay home for a month or two. Male employees are not so lucky because they don't get pregnant. Hey, where's the equal opportunity employment there?
Dear ESP: My friends heard I'm going to Russia. Even my closed neighbor who recently got married to a Chinese whom he met in the internet warned me. One of the techs warned me to stay out of trouble. Should I be afraid?
To Trouble: Talking with you on the phone, I hear a trace of foreign accent. May I assume then that you don't look American. You are a hyphenated American. Unless your skin turn very white like Michael Jackson. I was so sad when his monkey Bubbles died in the late 90's. Be not afraid. I've been to Russia myself. I guarantee people are the same everywhere. I was eating with friends at Hotel Astor (Bush stayed there when he visited Putin just recently) in Moscow. The young waiter who served our food was from Los Angeles! When it's time, it's time. Live as if there's no tomorrow. Live as if today is your last day on earth. You only live once.
Dear ESP: I heard on the radio there's a bay in Italy where they have high concentration of prescription drugs. Since you have a scientific bacground, do you think same thing is going on here? I'm afraid to drink our water now. - Bottled H2O
To Bottled H2O: Millions of young and old Americans take prescription and over-the-counter drugs. My fellow chemists do hundreds of drug screening. A lot of drugs are not metabolized by the human body and excreted in the urine. These go to the sewage sysem, then to our water supply. Anything is possible. The Tyson chicken company polluted and contaminated the Arkansas River; the Hudson River in New York by GE; farm and animal wastes in Illinois; and Erin Brokovich with nuclear dusts. A case of 100 bottled water at Sam's Club is very cheap - only $5.89. If you think that's still expensive, do what I do. I boil the water for 5-10 minutes. Then, when cool I pour in some of my empty plastic bottles and put them in the fridge. It's really good to drink, cheap and above all - safe. What's more, you'll be ready if ever there's a bioterrorism attack to our water filtration plant.
Borrowed image from the internet
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There are no problems, only solutions. - John Lennon
Dear ESP: My friend Ricardo beside being a lab tech owns an import-export business. He's very generous and sky is the limit when he's got dinero. But he's suffering because of the bubble economy of the 90's. Now his business is in the red and on the verge of bankruptcy. I'd like to help my friend. You're the best in the business, I heard. Gracias.
To Gracias: Let this be a lesson to your friend. He should not have voted Democratic during the 90s. I heard the Cartel just bought from the Russian Mafia a used submarine. They got it from eBay. After he's filed Chapter 7 or 11, tell Ricardo to apply as a lookout guy. You are a very good friend. Vaya con Dios!
Dear ESP: Every year we hold a contest during the National Laboratory Week. One of the games is to count and guess the number of kidney stones in the glass container. The winner gets a prize of a different kind of stone - a diamond. While on display this year the kidney stones disappeared. The one in charge of the contest got into trouble with the pathologist for these stones were their prized collection and they don't wanna be sued for malpractice. After much investigation by security, the stones were thrown away by a new employee who did not know what was going on. They were just stones throw away on the hospital ground. Do you have a game in mind?
To Stones: It's very easy to get fooled. When I was in a Stockholm Hotel restaurant, my girlfriends experienced the same thing. They're quite hungry and ready for breakfast. They mistook the decoration, a big container with stones on top of one another for loaves of uncut bread. I could not stop laughing for they almost ate them. What games? How about a contest of drinking a big pitcher of water? It's painful but everybody's stones will be out in a New York minute. By next year, you'll have your lab stone collection just in time for the contest. Good luck!
Dear ESP: Part of our practical lab course in Parasitology is to do concentration technique with our own fecal specimen. One of our classmates had Enterobius vermicularis (pinworm) eggs in her feces. This is a very bad case because this type of parasite is usually detected by anal scotch-tape test. Also, we all ate a dish she made one time. Do you think I have the worms? My anus has been itching lately.
To Ann: This is very bad, indeed. I, self, only eat food that I cook. I'm conveniently off or say "I'm busy" when there's a potluck party. If it's unavoidable, if push comes to shove, recook the food by microwaving. I'm not too sure of its effect with parasitic eggs but I do know microwave kills bacteria in 2 minutes. The grossiest thing that I ever heard of was a guy from Peoria microwaving and killing his girlfriend's dog. True story. The guy was jealous of the dog. About your classmate: be a whistleblower and report her to the school nurse. You're protected by the law. Tablets/pills are available to cure her and you for you have the symptom.
Dear ESP: I have ADD. I also am dyslexic. I can't work in Blood Bank because I might interchange the blood types. Giving the wrong blood will definitely kill the patient due to transfusion reaction. I can't work in Chemistry for I might give the wrong numbers. They're usually in minute amount, in mg/ml. I love my new career very much. It saves the life of a lot of patients. Do you know what's the best section for me?
To Alexia: Cher claimed to be dyslexic. Even the genius of geniuses, Albert Einstein had dyslexia. I think you can't go wrong with Microbiology. You don't have to worry with numbers and letters. The names of organisms are already in default in the bi-directional instruments and computers. No harm done if you mix the names because they are pre-programmed. The genera and species are hard to pronounce anyway. If Microbiology is too hard for a novice like you (it takes 3-5 years to be an experience microbiologist), try Histology. It does not
require much skill - you just cut surgical tissues all day. Histology is kind of gross though.
Dear ESP: I'm reviewing for my certification exam. My apartment is just next door to Paramount Studio. Occasionally, I'd play extra on the movie set to pay for my college loan. Sometimes I wonder if I just take a shot at it and become a movie star.
To Star Is Born: Anything is possible. Bea Arthur of the once popular TV shows "Maude" and "Golden Girls" worked as a lab tech. We all have humble beginnings. Continue reviewing. It's always nice to have something to fall back on if you're not happy with your chosen career. The most popular TV show right now is CSI:. The actors are boring most of the time but it is overcome by the interesting medical techniques they use. See you there someday?
Dear ESP: I'd always get a call from one of the doctors asking for test results in one of his patients. When I check the computer, the patient's name is not there. He'd get mad when I tell him I did not have his patient.
To LT: Doctors go to more than one hospital. They send their patients to either one for testing. Sometimes patients are scared to go, especially for colonoscopy, or they don't go at all. There's not much that you can do. Be cool. It took these doctors 12 years of medical education so they have to make up and earn top money for the lost years. Don't complain, it's not worth it. Some are abusive to nurses, lab techs, assistants and clerks. When they write in diagnosis GOK (God Only Knows), they're not talking about God. They're God when in the hospital.
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Dear KIA (Know It All): I'm going on a cruise next year. But I'm scared. I heard in the news 500 people got sick of food poisoning. No matter how much the biosafety crew did the clean up the sneaky bug keep coming back. I'm not that crazy about a cruise ever since I saw the movie Titanic. Tell me what I should do.
To Titan: I assume it's just one of those bargain price one week cruises and not the very expensive $20,000 package deal with QE II ship. The sumptuous food buffet is just too exposed to everything. People from all walks of life, sneezing, coughing and dirty little hands touching the food. Only they know where those hands came from. You don't have anything to worry about if you come from another country other than the United States. You have built too much immunity because of the dirty polluted environment of those third world countries. In the United States, parents are so protective of their young ones (no playing in the mud) they didn't develop some minutiae of immunity at all. Nothing is 100% sure and safe. My brother, after many years went home for a short vacation to the islands. He saw this yummy suckling pig roasting in the open market. Days later he came down with typhoid fever due to Salmonella for eating the oink. If you're still worried get immunity shots, flu shots and buy Imodium AD at Walgreen's or Osco Drugs. Always wash your hands. You know that.
To Men: I always say a very experienced ER doctor is very important to properly diagnose the symtoms. Some people, especially young adults, are carriers of bacteria called Neisseria meningitidis in the throat and nasal cavity. We have both good and bad bacteria in our body. Just like everything else, there's always that balance of power. The passage from your nasal cavity to your brain is that close. That's why they always do spinal tap to check for bacteria, parasites, and viruses. One way to tell - no white blood cells (WBCs)present, no bacteria - could be viral meningitis. A lot of WBCs - could be bacterial meningitis. The consequence if the patient is not given antibiotic (Penicillin) or meningitis shot immediately. You'll be surprised but most deadly bacteria are easily cured by the simplest of antibiotics if it's treated immediately. Again, you need a very good doctor to collect the fluid. I get blood CSF from trauma to the spinal cord once in a while from ER. Bad tap.
Dear KIA: I get 3 or more leaky specimen containers a day in the lab. Our culture protocol reject this. I keep calling the floor that they should properly cap the container upon collection. They just ignore me constantly. How do you solve this vexing problem?!
To Leaky-Leaky: This is very dangerous - the specimen might have been contaminated and no longer collected in a sterile way. It is a danger to clerks, attendants and lab workers because the specimen have been passed on from site to site. However, the patient went home already by the time you call for another specimen. HMO policy, you know. So you're stuck with what's left of the specimen. Thanks to science and technology, most test procedure only need a small volume and a routine specimen swab. For urine culture, just mix well and take a loopful. For urinalysis, 5-10 cc. Try to do it as long as the specimen is not compromised. Make the best of it. Keep calling and reminding the floor for they are very busy and they have flex nurses going from one hospital ward to another. As a hospital worker you are put at risk. Always get your hepatitis shots and other immunization the hospital offers. Last but most important, always wear your PPE. That's Personal Protective Equipment of mask, goggles, gloves and coat. I know it's not glamorous and you look like an astronaut but it's for your own safety.
Dear KIA: The sword of Damocles finally whacked me on the head. I got the dreaded pink slip last friday. I read in your bio you're a veteran of pink slips. May be you can give me how to move on.
To Pink: Lay off on my record, alright?! I feel your pain. You're paying for the bubble economy of the 90s. Then there's 9/11 and anthrax. Billions and billions lost! Things always happen for a reason, never forget that. There's always tomorrow. Go to Employment Security Office this coming Monday and pronto. It's payback time for all your hard work. Then go to Clark's gas station, pump up the gas and buy a lottery ticket. Today may be your lucky day, punk...pink.
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Dear Ms. KIA: I got caught by a hospital security guard doing hanky-panky inside the morgue with a female co-worker. The guard reported us to the hospital administration. We've been terminated even though we did not admit to any wrong doing. It was embarrassing.
To Embarrassed: Whoopee! You turned that cold morgue into a hot zone. Both your love and sex life at home must be suffering. You're in good company. Famous people and presidents do it all the time. Bill Clinton, the Don Juan of Monica and bubba of Arkansas, comes into mind. No embarrassment there!
Dear Ms. KIA: Don't bring your problems from home to work, I hear from friends time and time again. My son is college-educated and very handsome. He's got a girlfriend who's a waitress at Rainforest Cafe. I'd like him to marry someone who has more education. I only want my son to be happy.
To Mom: Tell him in a nice way to dump the girl. There are more girls going to college now than boys. Have you seen Girls Gone Bad on TV? They are all in college but I think they're loose and bad girls. Somebody you don't bring home to meet mommy. This is risky advise from me: I think you don't have to be college educated to be a good wife and mother.
Dear Ms. KIA: Last year, I went to Maui with three other girlfriends. We drove to the top of a 16,000 ft volcano at 3:00 AM to see the rising sun. It took us about 2 hrs. to get to the top. I started to drive going down but I froze and became so afraid. My friend ended up driving the car.
To Freeze: You tend to lose your nerves as you grow older. It was before dawn and not enough light to guide you up the mountain. The sun might have risen but where you were, it was still dark, Next time when you go on vacation again, tell them you prefer driving the day. And treat them with Haagen-Dazs ice cream with macadamia nuts.
Dear Ms. KIA: I'm so mad with that Thai nurse at my condominium. I live on the 14th floor. One time I entered the elevator after her. She got off the 3rd floor. Damn! I did not know she pressed all the buttons! Need I tell you the elevator stopped in every floor?
To Mad Condom: Those Thai nurses are not only cute but playful. Next time you see her coming, put the "Out of Order" sign. You got your revenge.
Dear Ms. KIA: I'm the manager of a small hospital in Indiana. I was alarmed when 3 of my foreign exchange students had gone AWOL. They came back after a week, told me they took the Greyhound bus to see the wonders of Niagara Falls. I don't want to jeopardize our foreign policy.
To Diana: They are here for 2 years and they may not have the opportunity to see this great land of ours from California to the New York islands. Is there anyway to help them with their immigration status? Marrying them with a US citizen is out of the question. The guy could turn out to be a serial killer.
Dear Ms. KIA: Our pathologist is always yelling at us. The first thing he does as soon as he arrives is say, "What are you good for?" What's with him?
To Goody: I presume he's Greek, your pathologist? Although this is not the case with me, they're usually rude, treat poor employees like dirt and yes, yells a lot. In my book, the best pathologists around are the French, Indians and Italians. It's a lost cause for you. The only thing I could think of is give him a DVD of MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING as a birthday gift. Oopah!
Dear Ms. KIA: I saw our lab clerk with her face down the copy machine. Is this a common practice when they are not doing anything?
To Copy This: I think it's a morbid curiosity on her part. She'd like to see how her face with eyes close would look inside a coffin. I hope you get lucky next time you happen to pass by to see her big, fat butt on top of the copier.
[More recycled advise to follow...]
To Double Dozer: Why, certainly. If you're a female, cut your bangs down to your eyes. Your lab instructor won't be able to tell or see if you're awake or asleep. If you're a male, go to class where your professor is a hottie.
Dear Ms. KIA: My room is at the same dorm where the nursing students live. We only have one refrigerator on the same floor. They are food raiders. Every evening when I'm ready to eat my sandwich and drink my Coke, they're gone! Do you have any suggestion?
To Cokie: Get out of there. Anybody who would eat your food is taking a big risk. Put a big sign - CONTAMINATED! How about changing your time? Eat before they arrive from the hospital. I'd move out if I were you. Anybody who would eat my food reserve is a pig and a thief.
Dear Ms. KIA: I'm almost done with my schooling at Tulane U. I'm paying for my school loans by working on weekends as bodyguard in one of the Bourbon St. sleazy nightclubs. In the evening I open the club door for 5 minutes for passers-by to see the pole-dancing naked ladies. I'd like to move north after college. Anything going in Chicago?
To Movin' On: They like new grads in Chicago. Many university affiliated hospitals there like your kind. They don't pay as much in salary but it's competitive. All the money goes to research. And with your experience you can always apply for a part-time job at the House of Blues. Another possibility is applying at CDC in Atlanta. Every year they make a video on guidelines of this and that. They feature employees working on the bench. There's one catch -- what's usually shown in the finished video are your gloved hands. Hmmmm... I wonder if CDC made a video on not to smoke cigarette and throw it in the toilet bowl. Some one discarded ether-formalin (used in parasitology) and the poor employee's butt caught on fire.
Dear Ms. KIA: I'm a phlebotomy trainee with a sense of humor. Yesterday I went up to the floor to draw blood. I got to the room, said hi to the patient and touched his arm. It was dead cold. Patient in hospitals conveniently die in the early morning. I wrote on the requisition "As Good As Dead." The school coordinator saw what I wrote and gave me a tongue-lashing.
To Pleb: Can't you change your career? Say, be a comedian? Anyway, your trainer is just preparing you to be compassionate, sensitive and a caring human being. A year from now, you'll remember what happened and you'll be a whole lot better than the poor excuse of a human being that you are right now. One more thing, just write "Unable to Draw," okay?
Dear Ms. KIA: My apartment building is next to where a lot of University of Chicago students live. They call the police everytime I park my car in front of their building. I just got this new, shiny Corvette from my dad as a graduation gift. Now I have 300 parking tickets.
To Sting Ray: Give these college kids a break. You've been in their place before. These are future Nobel Prize winners you're talkin about. You know damned well that area is controlled and monitored by the campus. Since you've already graduated and I assume you got a new job in your dad's company, why don't you move to Barrington where there are lots of parking space. Pay your traffic tickets to the City of Chicago. Mayor Daley needs the money. The Denver Boot is in effect again.
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As far as I know, this has been around as far as I can remember ( I
even posted it more than 25 years ago on the bulletin board). I got it again
via e-mail a few days ago.
even posted it more than 25 years ago on the bulletin board). I got it again
via e-mail a few days ago.
WHY I'M TIRED....
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not
enough
sunshine,
too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else
I could think of.
But now I
found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not
enough
sunshine,
too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else
I could think of.
But now I
found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . The population of this country is 273 million.
140
million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85
million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there
are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do
the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work
Take
from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any
given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do
the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just
two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on
your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real
nice.
Published 3/30/06 ALT MSN Groups
Web Page: Funny Bone
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