Jokebox For Lovers

LOVING COUPLE IN MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA

 

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Previous Publication 9/29/04  MSN Groups
Web Page: Jokebox
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FOR LOVERS
ONLY!

Boyfriend: 
You are my sunlight and my moonlight.  You are the stars in my life.  When you are away, my days
are cold and cloudy...

Girlfriend: 
Are you whispering sweet nothings or you're giving the weather
report?

Boyfriend: 
Darling, do you think I'll go to heaven when I die?

Girlfriend: 
Why don't you try dying first so that you'll know!

Girlfriend: 
You men!  You are all the same!!  You are all
animals!!!

Boyfriend: 
Animals, huh?!  So why do you keep coming on to me like a
snake?

Girlfriend: 
Because I like animals and I'm an animal lover!  As they say, be kind to
animals!

Mate:  Good
morning, dear.  What's for dinner tonight?

Wife:  Here it
is, take your pick.

Mate: 
What?!  (Opening the plate cover)  One fish only!  What's to
choose?

Wife: 
Yes!  You have 2 choices - take it or leave it!

Wife:  Why did
you drink the insecticide?

Husband:  I
tried to commit suicide because of what you're doing to me!  I'm so
miserable!!

Wife:  Next
time you do it...

Husband:
What?!

Wife:  Check
the expiration date!

Boyfriend:  Is
it true that beautiful women and handsome men are poor spellers and have
bad grammar?

Girlfriend: 
My gash! Did they sure? What does they proof? It hurts to me! I do not beleif to
dis! Does U?

Dude #1:  Did
you know if you steal you'll have karma?

Dude #2: 
That's true!  Because when I stole a kiss from my girlfriend, I got karma
and I had to marry her!

What do people say
after sex:

Spouse:  I
love you!

Sugar Daddy/Sugar
Mommy:  You're the best!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend:  Wow! One more time!

Teenage
Lovers:  Oops! Let's do it again!

Male/Female
Escort:  Hurry up.  We only have 15 minutes! (an hour? 2 hours? 3
hours?)

JOKE REMIX

Lawyer #1: 
You're a fool!

Lawyer #2: 
You're a damn fool!

Judge:  As the
lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the
case?

Student:  Sir,
isn't that right?  Experience is the best teacher?

Nutty
Professor:  Is that right?  Please contact Miss Experience to tutor
the other students.

Reporter: 
Sir, do you watch CBS?

Kerry:  No
time.

Reporter: 
Golf or reading?

Kerry:  No
time.

Reporter:  Do
you drink beer?

Kerry:  Miller
Time!

Blondie #1:  I
heard your best friend died and lying in state at a funeral
home.

Blondie #2: 
Oh, my friend is so nice to me...My friend, HAPPY BURIAL!!

Babe #1:  How
are you and your husband? No more
anger?...bitterness?

Babe #2:  Oh,
we're OK now.  We had our bad times, but we have forgotten them.  It's
all water OVER the bridge!

Dude:  Lola
(Old Grandma), I'm taking a survey.  How's married life during your
time?

Lola:  You're
rude, young man!  I'm still single and never been
married!

Funny Bones Filipino

TAWA NAMAN D'YAN!  KAHIT NA CORNY!!

A warning to all
vegetarians and those taking cholessterol lowering
drugs! SOMEDAY YOU MIGHT LOSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS!  WE'RE ALL DEAD AND YOU'RE
STILL ALIVE! - Beefeaters.

According to beauty advice
on having a beautiful and smooth skin - get 8 hours of sleep, eat lots of
fruits and drink 8 glasses of water daily.  DOING THESE THINGS HAVE NO
EFFECT ANYMORE.  WHY NOT JUST HAVE A PLASTIC SURGERY!

Senior Citizen #1: 
How can we save on electricity?

Senior Citizen #2: 
Maybe use low watt bulb.

Senior Citizen #1: 
You mean like 40-watt bulb?

Senior Citizen #2: 
No, just turn on the light during the day!

Fan #1:  Did you
already see the house of Stevie Wonder?

Fan #2:  Not yet,
why?

Fan #1:  Him,
too!

Pinokano #1:  You
have such nice skin color.  Are you mestiso?

Pinokano #2:  Yes,
I'm half and half.

Pinokano #1:  That's
what I thought.  What kind?

Pinokano #2: 
HALF-FILIPINO, HALF-FILIPINA.

Reporter:  Madam
President, the public is complaining of the high cost of
electricity.

GMA:  It's only
temporary.

Reporter:  Ahhh....so
the cost will go down?

GMA:  NO, the
complaints are just temporary.

Beerdrinker #1:  Why
are you drinking SUPER DRY BEER?

Beerdrinker #2:  Of
course, so as not to wet my throat!

Son:  Dad, what's the
difference between 'DINNER' and SUPPER'?

Dad:  Son, if we eat
outside it's 'Dinner'.  If we eat your mother's cooking, it's
'Suffer'.

Pinokano #1:  Did you
know I won the lotto in my dream?  What should I do?

Pinokano #2:  That's
simple.  When you win again, collect it right away!

From A.L.T.
Publication - Funny Bones message board

The Thermodynamics Of Hell

FOR THE HELL'S ANGELS AND DEVILS IN
DISGUISE....

The following is an actual exam question given on a
University of 
Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound"
that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is,
of course, why we have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or Endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief
using Boyle's
Law (Gas cools off when it expands and
heats up when it is compressed.) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First,
we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know
the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate that
they are
leaving."

"I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls
are leaving."

"As for how
many souls are entering Hell, lets look
at the different religions that exist
in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one
of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one
religion,
we can project that most souls go to Hell."

"With birth and
death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase
exponentially." "Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume
in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to
stay the same, then Hell must expand
proportionately
as souls are added." This gives two possibilities:

1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks
loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by
Teresa
during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day
in Hell before
I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in
having that event take place, then #2 cannot be
true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and will not freeze."

This
student received the only 'A' in the class!

Email from Thomasian MSollosa for Busted
Living

The Underbird

Charlie Brown, a comic strip character, identified with the
underdog because he always felt like one.  In one scene he was building a
birdhouse when the cynical Lucy came by.  "I'm building it for sparrows,"
Charlie told her.  Lucy said, "For sparrows? "Nobody builds birdhouses for
sparrows."  "I do, replied Charlie Brown.  "I always stick up for the
underbird."

My dear relatives
and friends in Texas, California and Florida - I know you can't care less what
happens here in Illinois.  I know you're busy with your own jobs and
problems.  But as champion of the underdog, I want you to know how much the
former governor of Illinois and a Nobel Prize nominee, GEORGE
RYAN,  is very much persecuted, unjustly maligned and called
dirty names by the news media.  What happened to 'innocent until
proven guilty?'  The case of racketeering and corruption against this good
and honest man is so weak and yet to be proven in the halls and court of
justice.    Nothing happens in the City of Chicago without the
knowledge and blessing of the honorable mayor.  Jailbird Scott Fawell,
right-hand man of George Ryan, convicted of illegally using State employees for
political gain and bid-rigging of McCormick Place, is going to sing for the
enjoyment of the Feds to lessen his term in a South
Dakota prison.

I hope George Ryan gets a
Charlie Brown.

For A.L.T. Publication - Footprints 

and Inspiration web page.

Published 9/15/04  ALT  MSN Group
Web Page: The Underbird

Mouse Trap

Mouse Trap

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the
farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it
contain?

He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!  Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse
proclaimed the warning, “There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse
trap in the house.”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no
consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a
mouse trap in the house.”

“I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig,
“but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my
prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, “Like wow, Mr.
Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?”

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected to face the farmer’s mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house,
like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey.  The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was
caught.  In the darkness, she did
not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap wad caught.  The snake bit the farmer’s wife.  The farmer rushed her to the
hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you
treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the
farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. His wife’s sickness continued so that
friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.  To feed them, the farmer butchered the
pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; in fact, she died,
and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to
provide meat for all of them to eat.



So the next time you hear that someone if facing a
problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of
us is threatened, we are all at risk.



Be with US.  Support President George W. Bush and
his war against terror.



Emailed by Doreen of Pennsylvania.